7 Quick Takes, vol. 2

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Trusting in God is hard. Putting my faith in something, Someone, that I can't see is incredibly difficult. It's so easy to fall into the "what ifs"...What if God doesn't actually exist? What if I'm not supposed to be a missionary and God is trying to tell me that and I'm just not getting it? What if I'm not cut out for mission life? What if nobody likes me in Virginia? What if I can't raise enough to get to Virginia? What if... What if... What if... The list can go on and on in my head.

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I sometimes feel like St. Thomas, aka Doubting Thomas. The missionaries around me have seen the Lord. They know Him- they've heard His voice, they've seen His face. He is not a mystery to them. But I don't believe them. I haven't heard Him or seen His face. How can they have such complete and total trust in this Great Mystery? Why do they seem to get it, and my mind keeps reaching a dead end. Why do I keep walking into a brick wall when it comes to putting complete and total faith in Him?

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I recently found a prayer by St. Thomas Aquinas that seems to summarize my doubts perfectly. It's the Adoro Te Devote, and it speaks about believing in God, particularly in the Eucharist, where both His humanity and divinity is hidden. I love the whole prayer, but especially the line that claims that "hearing suffices firmly to believe." At Mass, during the Eucharistic prayer, all I have is the sound of the priest speaking the Words of Consecration, but those words are enough, they must be enough.

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Other times, trust comes more easily, more naturally. For example, I still don't have an apartment in Virginia. But for some reason, this doesn't bother me at all. I am totally confident that by the time I need to move to Fredericksburg, I will have a place to live.

Preferably not a little shack by the side of the railroad tracks!

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And I know that God is good, that Jesus is Lord. He takes care of me in the little ways- running into an old friend from high school whom I haven't seen in years, hearing about how a mission partner had an incredible encounter with the Holy Spirit, turning on the radio right as my favorite song starts playing. I know He loves me in the little things.

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It's the big things that keep me up at night, tossing and turning. Although, surprisingly, my unconscious doesn't register "finding a place to live" as a big thing. It's the worries about money (will I ever raise enough to be able to go to campus?), about friends (will anyone in Virginia like me and how can I leave all my Wisconsin friends?), about meeting people (why would I ever have volunteered for a job that involves talking to strangers every day?). But mostly it's about money.

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But as my team director has said, "We work for the richest Man in the world." And I do! We only have what God allows us to have, and He won't allow me to live in poverty, alone and friendless, meeting only unpleasant, rude people. I do trust that in the abstract. It's only in the daily grind, where I start thinking that I'm somehow missing something that others have,  that it's difficult.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!